An Unrelated Rant

Okay. So this has nothing to do with my blog, but I’ve got to say it. DON’T GO TRICK-OR-TREATING IF YOU’RE NOT GOING TO DRESS UP!!!!!!!

It’s bad enough most of the kids are bundled up in so many layers that you can’t tell if he’s a mummy who likes to ski or an Eskimo vampire, but don’t defame the holiday by shaving the essentials!

My inspiration for this rant came while I was out driving (looking for the ritzy side of town and Mr. Moneybags). I saw a gaggle of teeny-boppers on cell phones who apparently thought they’re too cool for costumes but not for free candy. If they came to my door I wouldn’t give them a freaking M&M! Well actually, if they came to my door I wouldn’t be there; I’d be trying to find some random kid I could take trick-or-treating so I could convince Mr. Moneybags I wasn’t a over-age freak who had no right to be begging a candy bar.

At least I had a costume.

Anyway, I wanted to roll down my window and give them a good drive-by-harangue but I realized it wouldn’t communicate. First of all, who listens to the ravings of a 27 year old in a ninja costume? Second of all, I realized at the last moment how horrifyingly like my dad I would sound. I kept the window closed and glowered in the moment.

I finally found a rich gated community, but the gates were gated. Well, I was dressed like a ninja wasn’t I? Twenty minutes, and a tear in my costume later, I was over the fence and trying to mingle with the rich kids who were trick-or-treating in their own community. And then I saw them . . . a whole slew of little kids not wearing costumes! No cheap, mommy-made hand-me-downs, no expensive Spiderman costumes (with real web-slinging action), nothing. I couldn’t hold it any longer.

I guess the cops understood my reasoning cause they drove me out of the community and let me go just outside the gates. In retrospect I guess the whole thing was a tad unnecessary. If a bunch of stupid kids want to ruin the holiday I love so much (and consequently, can’t let go of), let em! It wouldn’t be the first time. Look what they did to Valentines Day! No one in first grade loves anybody . . . how dare they use the sacred “L” word.

In the end it was I who lost out. I’m sure my sermonette fell of deaf ears (no one takes a 27 year old in a ninja costume seriously) and I didn’t get that king size Snickers Mr. Moneybags was handing out. But I’ll sleep well tonight nonetheless . . . cause this Ninja can climb a mean fence.

http://kevinolsen.wordpress.com/category/candy/

Halloween Candy: Kevin’s All Time Picks

Discussing your favorite Halloween candy can be as dangerous as arguing about sports, politics, religion, or the best “Sleep Number” of all time. But, despite the controversy, I’ll be happy to share some of my all-time favorites on the candy cuisine. I am a candy addict with no plea for anonymity, so this is a glorious topic to undertake.

First off, I would have to say my favorite fare are the fruity things. Skittles, Starbursts, Gummi Worms, Laffy-Taffy, Nerds, and the countless other snacks that leave your tongue purple. I’d take Swedish Fish over M&M’s any day. I don’t even care if it’s some kind of generic lolly-pop or hard candy . . . give it to me, baby.

But I’m not going to turn down a scrumptious piece of chocolate either. I do enjoy normal things like Snickers, 3 Musketeers, Kit-Kat, and Twix, but if you want to know what the best chocolate ever made is I’ll have to throw off my patriotism for a moment. My refined chocolate-eating sensabilities prefer Cadbury (English chocolate) and Ritter Sport (German chocolate) to our domestic brands. There’s not a single U.S. chocolatly concoction that stands a chance when faced with the smooth, creamy goodness of Cadbury and Ritter Sport. Still, if it has to be from the candy cauldrons of the U.S. then hit me with something peanut-buttery: Reeses here I come! Hey, if they’re good enough for E.T. . . !

Either way, you can’t really be picky when pounding the pavement Halloween night. In fact, if doesn’t really matter what they give you. I know that shounds shocking coming from somone with strong candy opinions, but it’s the truth. It’s not what you get, it’s how much. If you’re lucky enough to brake into a rich, gated-community, and your vinal, fake booted-sneakers find the porch of Mr. Moneybags sometimes you might receive a WHOLE candy bar. But you can’t always count on that kind of generosity so just remember this ain’t no candy store: come prepared.

1. Forget the plastic pumpkin . . . I always take a pillow case, cardboard box, or fifty-gallon drum.

2. Hit every house, regardless of what they gave you last year.

And 3. Bring little kids. It doesn’t matter if they’re siblings, cousins, or some borrowed waif . . . you can always “trade” out the stuff you don’t like later and there’s no way Mr. Moneybags is going to hand a 28 year old a whole candy bar unless you’re towing a child.

I know . . . I do it every year.